I am not a spoiled brat

I know I am not a spoiled brat because I do not always get what I want. In fact, I rarely get what I want.
Because right now, all I want is this one guy.
See, he's not the average hot guy, or the cute-funny-smart one. I'm not dying to jump in his pants at all. I just want to know him; to be his best friend, the one he always turns to, you know?
He's not even that tall and he's average-looking. (Although he does have a killer smile and pretty eyes.)
He's not a genius, but he's wise beyond his years.
He doesn't believe in "getting girls" for the street cred.
He's the only male I personally know who's never been kissed at this age, which says something about him (and it's not that he's sexually repressed because he IS NOT).
He actually likes talking to me. Every single time I talk to him. Not many people are like that in this world, I tell you.
He does not worship the ground Barack Obama walks on, and yet still respects him, even if he doesn't agree wholeheartedly. (Hard to find where I am.)
In fact, he doesn't like talking politics. Hallelujah. Only smart kid I know who doesn't want to talk politics.
He's so humble that he doesn't even flaunt these qualities to make friends with nice people; this is just how he is.
He loves music just as much as I do if not more.
He doesn't judge me. Ever.
I used to wish for one guy to prove to me that they're not all the same, and he did it.
And now all I want is him.
But I can't have him.

You can't always get what you want, but if you look sometime, you just might find you get what you need.
~the Rolling Stones

the Ultimate Plan

I have been trying since January to get together with some of my long distance friends, and it never works out.
Ever.
I have counted a total of 5 times where it hasn't worked out. And, ironically enough, two of those times were because I was too busy serving God to go and meet with them.
So, naturally, I think God is involved.
I mean, honestly, how else would all my plans be crushed every single friggin' time?
Or maybe I'm just supposed to only be able to meet up with them when I'm completely independent from my family. I have no idea.
All I know is that God is planning something for me and that everything is for the best. (Say I as I blow my top with rage and let the fear of missing out eat at my insides.)
Optimism is good for your health sometimes.
I believe I said that already. But it's too true.

Life is unfair.

You'll just keep hoping things will turn out great, or even just good, and when they turn out completely wrong, you get totally pissed. But really, it's all because, well, life is unfair. We need to get used to it.
And it's really freaking difficult.
But as someone pretty damn wise once said, everything turns out right in the end, so if it's not right, it's not the end.
Optimism is good for your health sometimes.

To Be With You

This boy is so inspirational...
Just look at the passion in his eyes, on his face.
Man.

Assume = ass + u + me

You know that girl.
Hell, you gave birth to her. You raised her.
Therefore, that must mean that you are responsible for what she is today.
Because if you raised her, that means she learned absolutely everything from you, and therefore is a reflection of you and ONLY you.
You also know everything she wants and needs.
Yes, everything.
This is because you gave birth to her, and you raised her, and are responsible for how she is today.
Therefore, you know exactly how to take care of her. She was put into your hands by God, and so keep her in your hands you shall.
And that's the logical mantra of being a mother.

You know that girl.
Hell, you gave birth to her. You raised her.
Therefore, that must mean that you are responsible for what she is today.
The problem is that what she is today is a free-spirited, thoughtful artist type who likes to be happy.
This isn't right.
And you know what's right.
Because you know exactly how to take care of her, seeing as you raised her.
So you're going to do something about it.

She's not doing everything you've told her to.
To be fair, not everything you said was easy to do, but still.
You're her mother.
She should be listening.
She should be remembering everything you say. What's up with this forgetfulness?
She should be doing everything with a smile. Why does she get so bitter when you ask her to switch the laundry loads? She's getting older. You shouldn't have to do the laundry as much anymore. She's perfectly capable.
She should be doing well in school. She's a genius. She started reading at three years old. Why is she just doing okay? It's all this artsy stuff, you say.
She's just not like you.
She should be like you.
You gave birth to her, you raised her, and you are responsible for her character.
Therefore, she should be like you. You're the perfect example.

You've had it with that girl.
She doesn't agree with you.
She wants to study music. In your world, that's a paradox.
You want her to go to your idea of the perfect university. After all, she got in. She tells you that it's really not hard at all; that she's waiting for her idea of the perfect college to let her in.
What is this nonsense?! Why does she only want this college? Clearly, it's not right for her. You don't think it is. Therefore, it's not.
You ban her from going to her favorite college. It's just the right thing to do. So she gets upset. You don't know how she could possibly be so upset; your idea is better anyway. She hasn't even been showing any effort.
She tells you she has been trying; not as hard as she'd like to, but she is trying. You think she's lying. You haven't seen any of this supposed effort. And you know everything about her.
After all, you gave birth to her; you raised her.
Why would she dare to keep anything from you?


You didn't know that girl.
All this time you thought you did, but you didn't know her at all.
The only thing you can think is how?!
How could she possibly be your polar opposite?
You gave birth to her. You raised her. She is you! That's how the logic goes! What's wrong with this picture?!?!

The thing that's wrong with this picture is that mother-daughter relationships are not logical.
Solutions to issues are logical.
Answers to math problems are logical.
This is not a math problem.
This is not "an issue".
This is your relationship with your daughter.
This is real life.
Her mind does not work the same way yours does and never will. So if you can't understand her actions, that's okay. It's not going to be easy to wrap your mind around, but you have to be caring and loving and show her the proper way to do things.

If you'd just look at yourself from any other angle, you'd see that you're not as perfect as you think you are.
You'd realize that just paying for things after typing all day and dealing with some guy who's kind of psycho does not entitle you to then lie in bed and be waited on hand and foot, even by your incapacitated husband.
You'd realize that you put so much pressure on your kids for simply wanting them to have the best; that all you really want are some bragging rights.
Hell, you'd realize that your entire life's goal is to be the ultimate name-dropper.
You'd realize that you're not always right, and when you're not, you never apologize or take the blame; it's not them who do those things, it's you. When your husband doesn't apologize, it's because he has nothing to apologize for. When he puts the blame on you, it is because you're to blame.
You'd realize that you actually have faults! Yes, you!

You'd also realize that while you may be a "grown-up", you have certainly not grown up.

Selfishness is like people.

It comes in all different shapes and sizes.
It can be good and it can be seriously evil.
You will never truly know it unless it's yours.

Remember when I made that post about everything being selfish?
Well, selfishness comes on many different levels.
And I didn't elaborate on that.
And I really, really, REALLY should have.

So here's the deal.
We all ultimately are pulled by our own emotions, which makes us selfish.
As in, we really want those last two pieces of bread for a random sandwich, but our sister didn't have lunch yet and we did, so we give her the bread, which we think is selfless, but then all of a sudden we feel this happy, brewing, bubbly feeling and realize that we did it for the happiness that comes from being nice.
That's the good side of being selfish.
The bad side is the one we all know and totally hate.
Like when both you and your roommate oversleep and wake up at 7:20. You have to be at work at 7:45 and you have to take a 10-minute walk to get there, while she has someone picking her up at 7:30. Basically, she has five less minutes than you do, but you both have to rush regardless. Usually, when you both are in a serious rush, you do everything you can to help each other. But this roommate is seriously anal. She just keeps telling you to get out of her way while explaining during her entire 10-minute rush why it's more important that she be ready first. So you're left to brush your teeth out in the hallway while she takes a crap, have to wait two whole minutes for her to be finished stealing your brush, are pushed away from washing your hands in the sink after peeing so she can rinse her face off, and are consequently five minutes late, while she makes it to her carpool right on time.
This happened to me today, in case you couldn't tell.
And it's not the first time.

People have to really watch it when they're being selfish. It's oh-so-nice when you tell others how you want to be a doctor when you're older so you can save lives and then they all go and fawn over you, but let's face it, we know you want the money. And that's what people do everyday--they smile and wave and say good morning, but let's face it, we know they just want to be praised. Because they just go back to being assholes behind closed doors.

Cleaning up the mess -- book quote

When I was a little girl (and, okay, also when I was a not-so-little girl), my mother would put me in my room and tell me I was not to come out until it was tidy. She would close the door tightly behind her, and I would look around at the enormous mess that had piled up, not knowing where to begin.
An hour later, she would look in and discover that I was reading a book. "Evangeline!" she would scold. "You haven't done a thing to clean up this mess!" She would then heave a big sigh and say, "Sort out the clothes. Put away the ones that aren't dirty, make a pile of the ones that are."
Off she'd go again, and because it's much simpler to have your mother wash, dry, fold, and put away your clothes than it is to sort them and put away the clean ones, I'd make a giant pile of all the clothes and get back to reading my book.
"These were all dirty? Really?" she'd ask, but then she'd focus on the next phase. "Now pick up all your papers. Go through them, decide what you want to keep and what you want to throw away."
Step by step she'd walk me through the process of tidying my room until we'd be down to a heap that neither of us quite knew what to do with. "Well," she'd finally say, "it won't go away on its own."
So we'd tackle the final heap. And some of the things that I'd elect to throw away she (in moments of sentimental weakness) would fish back out of the trash sack, finding remote places for them in my room.
Other things she'd be desperate to get rid of but I'd tug-o'-war for, saying how I would never-ever-ever in a million years part with it.
I'm better now at sorting, cleaning, folding, and putting away. What I have yet to conquer, however, is what to do with the final heap. How do you sort the treasure from the trash? When does something move from sentimental to disposable? And if you think you are ready to part with it, are you really? If you throw it away today, will you regret it tomorrow? Or will it be something you never think about again?

~Confessions of a Serial Kisser, Wendelin van Draanen

Individual lives = individual worlds

It's kind of funny that the word "individual" literally means "one who cannot be divided".
Which is probably why we like to use the word "human" more. Or "person".
Anyway.
A few years ago, I took to people watching.
Everyone always asks, "How is people watching different from just walking by people everyday and sort of staring at them to creep them out?"
The difference is that you acknowledge that each person you pass by is an individual with their own story, their own life, their own world, really.
My favorite people-watching story just happened last Friday.
I was walking to a nearby elementary school like I do every Friday to just kind of hang out with the kids as charity work when I saw this dude angrily throwing backpacks and stuff out of his car and onto the sidewalk. The car wasn't moving, it was parked, but he was definitely pissed.
Most people would walk by this guy thinking something along the lines of these:
"Okay, really? He needs to not get mad on the street."
"Dude, seriously. I almost stepped on your backpack. Watch it."
"It's finally sunny out! Why so pissy?"
"Someone's constipated...!"
But I envisioned myself in his shoes.
I noticed the woman walking out of the house behind him and into her way-fancier-than-his car give him a dirty look.
And I thought, man, this guy for sure just got dumped. He probably wasn't all that well-off, and now the girl's gotten tired of him and realizes what a good-for-nothing he is (or so she thinks) and wants him out. So he's now pissily unloading his things/loading them in and just not able to do it right because he has to go build his life all over again.
And then I come back into my own reality.
And I think, dang, I am just SO lucky to be listening happily to Ernie Halter on my iPod and able to walk the streets in a relaxed manner.
And I just get so creeped out by the fact that my life doesn't matter at all in his; that he doesn't even know I passed by randomly on the street that day and totally contemplated what his life's all about. Because his life is going on. And it does not include me at all.
Not that I didn't discover this after the first person I watched.
It's just that each feeling is its own; like wow, I just discovered a new world.
This guy just happened to be the most obvious how-can-you-not case, and yet I seemed to be the only one noticing. But the best part is that I don't even know that. There could have been some other girl or guy looking on from one of the windows in the numerous apartment buildings that were lined up all down the street or one of the houses. I don't know that. Because my life is completely detached from theirs.
I think everyone should people-watch; I think everyone should get that rude awakening of how the world really doesn't revolve around them, how it's all in perspective.
I mean, Copernicus realized that just because we're the ones who live on Earth doesn't mean that we're the main event or center of it all in the solar system.
It's about time that each person realizes that just because they live their life and see life through their eyes doesn't mean that they're the main event or center of it all in the grand scheme of life.

Oh, those politics.

My friend once said a very smart thing: the word "politics" could be interpreted as having the prefix "poly-", meaning "many", and then there's the root of "tics", meaning "blood-sucking parasites". So politics = many blood-sucking parasites. Works, no? xD
So here's the thing: everyone's either "liberal" or "conservative", or "crazy"; respectively, Republican or Democrat, or some independent party. Everyone's views are everyone's business these days.
Since I've been learning more extensively about the American government these days, I realized that in the actual government, these liberals and conservatives, Democrats and Republicans, will also have their clashes.
I've been reading about the different forms of federalism we've had over the years, and the most recent development happened after 9/11 with the Patriot Act and stuff. After I read about what it was (the government being able to take aside anyone they suspect is a terrorist), I thought that there was no way everyone could have agreed on this. Liberals would have said that it's politically incorrect to stop just about anyone; they might be hurt by the fact that you said they look like a terrorist, and lots of racial profiling would ensue. Conservaties probably argued that it's necessary for the nation's safety, and are we really willing to let a potential terrorist pass by just because we did not want to hurt his feelings? (Which would be why the Patriot Act was passed.)
And it's kind of weird, because now that I think about it, my personality type would so be liberal, but I'm more middle of the road (with a bit of a conservative tendency).
See, here's the thing: I always worry about how people will feel and what people think and how the outcome is going to be just from the trail of emotions that would ensue. But at the same time, I know what's realistic, you know? Because not everyone is going to be happy all the time, but they'll eventually get over it, unless they're hopelessly stubborn and haven't grown up since they were 12.
So this is why I'm an emotional artist-type and yet more conservative. Thought I'd share. Not everything we think of is feasible; liberals and conservatives actually have the same ideas sometimes--liberals just want it NOW, while conservatives are taking realistic steps to get there.
In my opinion.

(Just in case anyone replies: "Conservatives are ____" (fill in the blank with anything negative) is not a valid argument.)

You don't know everything.

No one does. We're only human. Just as God holds the mysteries of the universe, each person has their own way of working and their own thoughts, and not everyone else has to understand them.
See, I can be forgetful at times. I have a seriously sharp memory; chances are if I don't remember it, it didn't happen to me. But when it comes to people telling me to do things or having to remember specific ideas, it's not so easy. I do have A.D.D., so when I am told one thing after the other, I get distracted doing one and then get carried away... you know how the story goes.
So apparently, I was supposed to call someone this week. My parents kept nagging me about it, but, you know, they're my parents. I don't really put their instructions in the forefront of my mind when I have to remember things that pertain to my being alive, so I kind of let it fall by the wayside.
The problem, though, is that this happens quite often; I get really busy and forget to do what my parents tell me to do. So today, my dad got pretty fed up with it.
"I don't understand how you can just forget to call her," he said. "Why is it so hard to remember? Or set a reminder in your phone? Or write it down? Something!"
"Well," I told him, "believe it or not, I do have other things I need to remember that take precedence. And my phone's reminder system stinks; it's not meant to be an organizer at all. And write it down?! Where? I'd lose the paper in two seconds."
At this point, my dad got really frustrated. I told him I didn't understand; he also has memory issues. Not like Alzheimer's or anything--he's not that old--but the same kind of issues that I have. So I thought that he, of all people, would understand. But no. He kept going on about how I need to "fix it".
I kept telling him that it's just me, and there's not much to do about it; that I just get distracted a lot of the time or have more important things to worry about, but he would have none of it.
"I'm sorry," I told him, "but my brain is not just some broken part I can fix."
Out of frustration, he went, "Yes. It is. It's broken. FIX IT."
After that, I marched out, fuming. My brain is not a broken part, or even a broken arm/limb. I think since it's just a vital organ, I have to face it, like the broken heart. And so does everyone else. But, apparently, since it's just "unfathomable", my parents don't want to face it.

Just because you don't understand what's going through someone's head does NOT mean that there's something to "fix". I really don't understand why I know that and my parents, who are way older than I am and therefore supposedly wiser, do not.

It's no use being stubborn.

Want to know why?
Let's say you have a relative in school. This relative is extraordinarily bright, and you think he can do anything he sets his mind to. He is in every single challenging class there is, and there is no way he can fail.
Until he does.
When he tells you he thinks he can't handle one of the classes anymore, you say, "Don't be stupid! You're so good at it. So you failed. Why?! Just try harder! You can do it!" Truth is, he hasn't exactly been trying his hardest, so he nods grimly and decides to go for it again.
Yet again, he's not doing well in that same class. You don't see him trying too hard, but he tells you he stresses out and does a lot of work; you just don't see it since you're not in school. After all, you're not attached at the hip or the same age or anything; you're already out of school, and you lived it very differently. You just wish that you had taken all the challenging courses because it would have made your life path better, so you advise him to do so. He complies again.
Three years later, he's taking the continuations of those same courses. He still can't do well in that one he always complains about. You tell him to just try, for crying out loud! After arguing, he grumbles and goes back to it.
The next week, you go over to visit him and he tells you that you have to leave; he's been studying all day for this test and needs to finally do well. Maybe this try will be different; maybe he'll do better. You beg him to stay; you're two hours away from home, if you could just sit and watch TV across the house without bothering him for a little bit, you'd be okay. He obliges. You keep sneaking peeks at him the entire time you're there; he's really killing himself over this test. When you finally leave, you feel so happy that you've finally seen him trying and are sure he will succeed.
A few days later, he calls you, fuming. "I completely bombed that last test," he says. "I just don't know why. I studied for hours. I swear, those tests are impossibly hard."
And then it hits you.
Maybe he just isn't suited to take that class.
You tell him this, and in an angry rage he says, "Well, DUHHH. That's what I've been trying to tell you for the past three years!"
And you didn't listen and kept encouraging him to do the impossible.

You know, it's great to encourage people, but when they keep failing, you just have to let it be and have them take a step down, because sometimes, they're just not ready.
Take this to heart before you learn it the hard way.

Clashing philosophies

The funny thing about finally figuring things out and taking on a motto is that other people come in and totally screw it all up. Obviously, my motto consists of the majority of the lyrics in "Details in the Fabric".
So today, I got some bad news. It wasn't earth-shattering or life-altering, but still, something I really did not want to happen.
While I was sulking, I heard the song in my head, took in some deep breaths, and let solutions fill my head rather than sullen thoughts. I thought that I was on my way to conquering my obstacle and getting past it when I thought of my mother.
Whenever I have a problem, my mother seems to think that when I'm stressed and broken up, she doesn't need to get involved, but when I have calmed myself down and present the situation to her in a mature manner, she needs to freak out and stress the situation's supposed extreme circumstances, and I completely lose all my composure and feel that I am back to square one.
I usually try to keep my stress hidden from my mother beacuse of this; I'd rather deal with everything on my own. However, being the control freak that she is, she constantly pokes and prods until I shed some light on my problems and let her act in charge.
I'd love to spread my personal theories and philosophies about life to her so she can calm down and think and maybe act normally, but she's also stubborn, as if controlling wasn't enough. So it's always her, her, her; even when it's my problem.
What I can't grasp about these kinds of situations is how people can not think at all and just do without hardly a trace of guilt. I think I'm also more aware of this because I just reread Shakespeare's Hamlet for the third time and finally understand it, but it's so true; no one stops to think.
There's a lot of other stuff I could say, but it would get way too confusing.