My walks.

So I go on these insanely long walks around this city. Yes, city, not town. Because really? This place is huge. And I don't just "walk around town". Honey, I go into other neighborhoods. I walk until no one knows who I am within a mile radius. I walk until my head is completely clear and I am sweating like a pig in a sauna.
You wanna know why I go on these walks?
Well, because I wanna lose weight.
You wanna know why else I go on these walks?
To gain serious perspective.
I mean, I didn't really notice that until later walks. But it really does help me gain perspective on the world.
See, the city I live in is pretty damn big. There are so many areas with such different people and structures; it's amazing. I'll be walking through my little blah area and then enter a whole brochure-perfect wonderland that makes me want to beg someone who lives in one of the multi-million dollar homes if I can be adopted just so I can live amongst all that beauty. Then I'll be walking through wacky-and-weird-land, where there are street performers galore and people in costume and whatnot. And then suddenly, hi there, I'm passing by a bunch of restaurants, and then there are just a ton of concert halls, and then whaddya know, I'm back at Fancypantsville again, resisting the urge to buzz myself in the front gate.
I don't know how people can say they don't like this city. They always are. I'm constantly hearing critiques about this place, about how dumb it is, how overrated it is, yadda yadda yadda. Some people haven't even been here and just criticize the industry we have, some people have only stayed in one neighborhood, and some people get off at the train station and just jump right back on because, dammit, they put the train station in one helluva shady area. But no one sees the whole thing! They don't see the beautiful areas and the bustling areas and the nice little friendly homeowners' association areas; just Hollyweird. (Yeah, okay, I live in Los Angeles. Born and raised. And loving it.) And I didn't either; I used to just see my own little nondescript area and, well, Hollywood. Oh, yeah, and the beach and Disneyland; when you're little in Southern California, that's pretty much what you know. But there's so much more to this place! There's Beverly Hills and Bel-Air (Fancypantsville)! And downtown (bustling areas)! And sure, there are the shady areas, like where the train station is (also a part of downtown) and East L.A., but the city as a whole is pretty frickin' cool!
I realized that this is like every instance in life where we have to see the big picture, and not just the up-close details.
I will rant no more, because that pretty much sums it up, and I'm tired.

Get yourself dressed instead
Of running around and pulling at your threads and
Breaking yourself up

Life. It's more valuable than you realize.

So today, I was kind of getting frustrated with my computer and my sisters.
And then my dad told me that two people he knew died of unknown causes. One of them sat 2 seats away from me at a dinner last summer. And now she's no longer with us.
Made me realize how little my problems were, and that I should just calm down and take a deep breath whenever I get stressed about such little problems, because really, life is so much more than just whatever goes wrong in the moment.
I'm not saying it's bad to get upset; we're all human. But I feel that I really need to work on myself and put things more in perspective.

Calm down, deep breaths
And get yourself dressed instead
Of running around and pulling all your threads and
Breaking yourself up

Details in the Fabric.

I named my blog after the song, I have talked about the song, and yet I have not discussed just why this song is so imperative to my existence.
To my understanding, Jason Mraz uses fabric as a metaphor for life.

Calm down, deep breaths
And get yourself dressed
Instead of running around
And pulling all your threads
And breaking yourself up

As in, get on with your life; dress yourself in that fabric, that's what it's there for. Don't start pulling it apart just because there's a little snag.

If it's a broken part, replace it
If it's a broken arm, then brace it
If it's a broken heart, then face it

Everything in our life is going to break sometime--and each one has its solution. There is no problem that just stays a problem, and it's up to you to replace the broken part, brace that broken arm, or face that broken heart.

Hold your own, know your name, go your own way.
And everything will be fine.

You are in control of your life. Don't let anyone tell you who to be or what to do, and stand up for what you think is right.
And everything will be fine.

All the details in the fabric
Are the things that make you panic
Are your thoughts results of static cling
Are the things that make you blow
Hell, no reason, go on and scream
If you're shocked it's just the fault of faulty manufacturing

The little nitpicky things in life, the things that make you panic, are all results of clinging to other people's ideas and not just going in your own direction. And if they frustrate you once in a while, let it out, don't suppress your emotion. And if your emotional breakdown is actually traumatic and bad for your health, well, your life was pretty messed up to begin with, and it's not really your fault...

Everything will be fine
Everything, in no time at all
Hearts will hold...

People will understand. You don't always have to be your composed self.
Everything will be fine.

You don't know everything.

No one does. We're only human. Just as God holds the mysteries of the universe, each person has their own way of working and their own thoughts, and not everyone else has to understand them.
See, I can be forgetful at times. I have a seriously sharp memory; chances are if I don't remember it, it didn't happen to me. But when it comes to people telling me to do things or having to remember specific ideas, it's not so easy. I do have A.D.D., so when I am told one thing after the other, I get distracted doing one and then get carried away... you know how the story goes.
So apparently, I was supposed to call someone this week. My parents kept nagging me about it, but, you know, they're my parents. I don't really put their instructions in the forefront of my mind when I have to remember things that pertain to my being alive, so I kind of let it fall by the wayside.
The problem, though, is that this happens quite often; I get really busy and forget to do what my parents tell me to do. So today, my dad got pretty fed up with it.
"I don't understand how you can just forget to call her," he said. "Why is it so hard to remember? Or set a reminder in your phone? Or write it down? Something!"
"Well," I told him, "believe it or not, I do have other things I need to remember that take precedence. And my phone's reminder system stinks; it's not meant to be an organizer at all. And write it down?! Where? I'd lose the paper in two seconds."
At this point, my dad got really frustrated. I told him I didn't understand; he also has memory issues. Not like Alzheimer's or anything--he's not that old--but the same kind of issues that I have. So I thought that he, of all people, would understand. But no. He kept going on about how I need to "fix it".
I kept telling him that it's just me, and there's not much to do about it; that I just get distracted a lot of the time or have more important things to worry about, but he would have none of it.
"I'm sorry," I told him, "but my brain is not just some broken part I can fix."
Out of frustration, he went, "Yes. It is. It's broken. FIX IT."
After that, I marched out, fuming. My brain is not a broken part, or even a broken arm/limb. I think since it's just a vital organ, I have to face it, like the broken heart. And so does everyone else. But, apparently, since it's just "unfathomable", my parents don't want to face it.

Just because you don't understand what's going through someone's head does NOT mean that there's something to "fix". I really don't understand why I know that and my parents, who are way older than I am and therefore supposedly wiser, do not.

Clashing philosophies

The funny thing about finally figuring things out and taking on a motto is that other people come in and totally screw it all up. Obviously, my motto consists of the majority of the lyrics in "Details in the Fabric".
So today, I got some bad news. It wasn't earth-shattering or life-altering, but still, something I really did not want to happen.
While I was sulking, I heard the song in my head, took in some deep breaths, and let solutions fill my head rather than sullen thoughts. I thought that I was on my way to conquering my obstacle and getting past it when I thought of my mother.
Whenever I have a problem, my mother seems to think that when I'm stressed and broken up, she doesn't need to get involved, but when I have calmed myself down and present the situation to her in a mature manner, she needs to freak out and stress the situation's supposed extreme circumstances, and I completely lose all my composure and feel that I am back to square one.
I usually try to keep my stress hidden from my mother beacuse of this; I'd rather deal with everything on my own. However, being the control freak that she is, she constantly pokes and prods until I shed some light on my problems and let her act in charge.
I'd love to spread my personal theories and philosophies about life to her so she can calm down and think and maybe act normally, but she's also stubborn, as if controlling wasn't enough. So it's always her, her, her; even when it's my problem.
What I can't grasp about these kinds of situations is how people can not think at all and just do without hardly a trace of guilt. I think I'm also more aware of this because I just reread Shakespeare's Hamlet for the third time and finally understand it, but it's so true; no one stops to think.
There's a lot of other stuff I could say, but it would get way too confusing.

There are no coincidences.

I had the scariest thing happen to me over last weekend.

Let's just say two things happened to me in the same place and same time within 2 days of each other involving the same type of vehicle.

If ever I doubted God, I now don't question His existence at all.

There is no way that I and approximately 40 others could have all survived two accidents in the same place at the same time within two days of each other without any sort of heavenly interference. There was a whole lot surrounding the circumstances, but we all made it out, and most of our stuff was able to be salvaged. I have absolutely no damaged or lost possessions, thank God.

And guess which song automatically popped into my head at each scene of crisis and continually pops into my head whenever I think about it?

"Details in the Fabric" by Jason Mraz.


Calm down, deep breaths
And get yourself dressed instead
Of running around and pulling at your threads
And breaking yourself up
If it's a broken part, replace it
If it's a broken arm, then brace it
If it's a broken heart, then face it
And hold your own, know your name, go your own way
And everything will be fine
Hang on, help is on the way
Stay strong, I'm doing everything
Are the details in the fabric
All the things that make you panic
Are your thoughts results of static cling?
Are there things that make you blow?
Hell, no reason, go on and scream
If you're shocked it's just the fault of faulty manufacturing.
Everything will be fine, everything in no time at all
Hearts will hold.

And I'm really not just trying to be corny here or anything. That song is something to live by.

Viva la Mraz.

When life throws you a curveball, it's probably because you're at bat...

We all make mistakes, right?
So when we make a mistake, we tend to freak out a little, fix it, and move past it.
When others make mistakes, we tend to freak out a little, be mad for a few minutes, help fix it, and move past it.
Or so I wish.
While some simply win at life and have this kind of attitude, and while about a sixteenth as much as those people are saints and don't even freak out or get mad, most of us get seriously stressed when we or others make mistakes. If we make a mistake, we act like the world is ending and nothing's ever going to be right again... and then, what do you know, the next day does arrive.
And yet we learn nothing.
My favorite is when someone else makes a mistake and we mumble and grumble and yell at them all while doing the regular oh-no-it's-a-mistake routine; because then, it's not our fault, so the one happy notion we get out of this mistake is that we aren't the ones who did it. The only problem is, the fact that they did the mistake while life was SUPPOSED to be going on perfectly makes us twice as stressed out, so the joy of blaming another kind of dies.
To stay sane, here's something I preach and am learning to practice: just freaking DEAL.
I mean, really.
It's just a mistake.
See, I thought of (what I think, anyway, is) a pretty good illustration of mistakes: baseball.
People often refer to unexpected things as curveballs, right? So think of it like this:
You're at bat, bottom of the ninth, tied with two runs, bases loaded. From what you know about the pitcher, he only throws scary fastballs. You eat scary fastballs for breakfast. You're ready to hit a fastball when you notice that he's throwing a curveball! What the hell?! You don't do curveballs! What are you supposed to do?! He's not supposed to throw it! THIS IS NOT PART OF THE PLAN!
But WAIT--what's that you're holding? A... a bat? No way! And that's a ball! So you'll HIT IT! Oh wait--it's not even going to end up in the strike zone. "BALL!"
See? Crisis averted. You end up hitting a frickin' legendary grand slam on the next pitch, winning 6-2. It is allll good.
Now, let's pretend you're the coach, keeping an eye on your prize hitter when suddenly the pitcher turns and lobs a curveball at your head!
THAT, my friend, would be an issue. Not to mention the first time in baseball history that the pitcher got confused and thought the coach was going to somehow play, but whatever.
What I was trying to say throughout that whole weird baseball analogy is that even though you have your expectations about life, it's going to throw you things you didn't see coming. Thing is, it's still in the norm; just because it's different doesn't mean it's not life. (Just like it's still normal for the pitcher to throw the ball; just because he deviated from his usual plan doesn't mean you can't bat anymore.) These things are supposed to happen, and we're supposed to deal with them.
If life were just as we expected, it would be boooringgg.
So next time a mistake is made, try to just kinda face it...

If it's a broken part, replace it
If it's a broken arm, then brace it
If it's a broken heart, then face it

Well said, Jason. Well said.

So here I am.

It's 1:45 in the morning, and I'm up because... well, because I feel like it. =)
I had some work to do, but now I'd just rather chill. I feel like time is too short. I wish I didn't have to sleep. I could do so much without sleep; read those books, write that music, listen to those artists.
But no; God created our days so that we have to spend some of it resting.
Not that I mind too much. I like resting. Sleep is truly wonderful.
I just feel that I could live my life to the fullest if I didn't.

~~~~

So this is my first post.
Who am I? I know my own name; that much is enough.
Where am I? Location hardly matters.
What am I doing here? Same as you people. =)
How old am I? Let's not go there. ;)

~~~~

As Jason Mraz said:

If it's a broken part, replace it
If it's a broken arm, then brace it
If it's a broken heart, then face it.
And hold your own, know your name, and go your own way.
And everything will be fine.

(Details in the Fabric)

Lesson for life. ♥